There are so many thoughts rampaging through my ball of wool I'm not sure which one to alight on. I am going to allow my fingers to decide. When I started this blog I thought I would use it to amuse my more discerning family and friends, and, to find an outlet for my surfeit of worms.
First a bit of an update: The Bell Menders went home yesterday and I'm trusting they arrived safely home. The younger (gorgeous) one engaged me in conversation for some minutes; talking about Monica; encouraging MaddyMoo to play in 12 inches of snow and telling me about the giant snowball that had formed through the highest slit in the tower. He explained that as it grew daily they were simply waiting for it to fall on them. I reminded him that they had laughed at me for being concerned for their safety.
After I had wished them a safe journey I reflected that 40 years ago I would have been happy to have engaged him in conversation. Been anxious in fact: to ensure that my skirt was just short enough; my false eyelashes firmly in place and that my vivacious personality made up for my lack of Playboy style breasts. As it was he was happy to remain talking to me in my Hannah Hawkswell persona; woolly hat, several padded layers and mountain boots that are too big for me. I so rarely wear makeup these days and there is such a sense of freedom associated with not needing to attract a mate. I am allowed now to lust after beefcake I could never have. I can make cow eyes and no-one gets offended. Women tolerate my flirting with with their men because I am no longer thought of as a threat. I am just a batty old woman with mischief in her eyes but unable to follow through. The onslaught of illness has seen to that.
I had always thought that I would develop into a sprightly, interfering old woman, a sort of Miss Marple but with radical tendencies. A challenge to social workers and a nuisance to my Beloved Son and Heir. A game old bird who would blast the neighbourhood with her Bob Marley records and speak patois to confuse the authorities. I do still have ambitions despite my Bad Back Monsters; my Bad Belly Monsters and my fightback to sanity. My poor health restricts me far more than I am comfortable with. There are times that I could so easily slip back into the dark warmth of depression and just give up trying to fight to stay upright, in all senses of the word. My fight to manage my Dickensian childhood is constant and if truth be known, I am never, ever going to be able to erase the damage done. No matter how hard I fight, or how hard I try to accept, my primitive being is so closely attuned to the possibility of danger I can no longer turn it off. Maybe if we had tried to mend me many years ago it would be different.
My physical problems are becoming too numerous to enumerate and so bloody boring. I'm tired of being ill. I am tired of being tired and I am tired of having to excuse myself for my inability to do things, to go places. I caught sight of myself in the mirror today and was so disappointed at the aged old hag that was staring back at me. I am astonished at how much I have aged. What surprises me more though is how young my mind is. I still remain connected with my beautiful grandchildren, the young teenagers of friends want to talk to me and think I am cool. I am hungry for knowledge and feed my mind with as much information as I can manage. Radio 4 is my constant companion (and was named as a marker of my unreasonable behaviour in the divorce petition served upon me by the Estranged One) and I try to ensure my soul stays in touch with all creatures great and small. I looked into the sky last evening and was agog at its crystal beauty. This morning I noticed the tips of my Eucalyptus tree were frozen turning it into an exquisite artwork. The morning sun lighted on the diamonds hidden in the six inches of snow on my flat roof as Mr Robin and Mr Blue Tit foraged through the snow covered clematis looking for sustenance.
Today I was rewarded with confirmation of the best news possible! My beloved Bairns have confirmed they are coming home to me for Christmas!!! For the first time in ten years! I have hedges to dress, menus to plan, food to prepare, and bedding to air!! Yippee!! I just cannot wait. I am the most fortunate of women.
Take care, look after each other, stay young in your soul
Love and Peace
THE Purple Fairy xxx
thank you SD xxx
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